Friday, June 21, 2013

Social Awkward Me

"You have to change your manner of speaking, otherwise everyone will hate you in high school! " a friend of mine told me. Why did she say that? It's not that I say swear words or shout at people all the time. Actually, I'm quite social-awkward at school and nearly being mute for almost one and a half years. The situation got better as time goes by, getting to know my classmates.  I've always been trying to get into some of those little group of friends, to show the funny and outgoing side of me, to be myself, to get accepted. It turned out quite good these few past months, (though not good enough for me). But hey, at least I stepped out of my comfort zone a little more. Then yesterday this girl and her friend pulled me aside and said  those words and also told me some shortcomings of mine. Now here's some cases they accused me of having a sour tongue:

Case 1:
 Most of those leftover fruits of lunch are dealt by me, which means I brought them all home , (imagine carrying 10 guavas plus a 7-kg book bag―as if the book bag isn't heavy enough) just because no one wants them, few people eat them, and I don't want to see bugs crawling around because of the fruit the next day. I've talked to my teacher about this many times, but the case didn't improve. One day, our English teacher walked in and saw those guavas―she gasped and asked why we had so many left and not eating any. So I told her what's going on with those guavas. The truth.
My friend's accusation: you couldn't just spit it all out! I know how you do the favour with much toil, it's really a good thing to have ethics and a kind heart to help and do those good deeds and all, BUT most people aren't as kind-hearted as you, and that cruel society you step into a few years later won't be as kind, so don't say things so frankly ,they don't like it."

Case 2 :
My friend and the teacher are talking about which audio classroom to borrow for the video watching the next week. She and the teacher debated for a long time but still no results. It's mainly about whether there's an air conditioner or not. I think that's no big deal not having an air conditioner, and since the discussion had lasted quite a long time without a probable result, I stepped in and said,"I think it isn't necessary to have an air conditioner, is it?" Hmm, that's not something harsh(or is it?), but that seemed to distress her.
Her accusation: "It's not me that wants ACs! Do you know how stressed I was when discussing with the teacher? Being in the middle of totally diverse suggestions, requests, even complaints and to compromise with everyone isn't that easy! So,just think twice and put yourself in others'shoes before you blurt anything out , okay?"

Case 3:
The big (crazy) test was over. Everyone in class was cheery and excited about the upcoming summer vacation. But still, some basic school rules had to be followed, right? While in class, since the test was over, teachers had nothing to teach (or may I rather say "no test papers to write and correct"), students had nothing to do about school(not even wanted to), we do whatever we wanted to, quietly, or at least not too loudly. What did they do? They played some slapping hands games, and the other group of people played card, in a noisy manner. But hey, what about us reading novels or taking a nap? I mean, yeah, they could play some games, as long as they didn't disturb some who needed peace, or just quietness! After about ten minutes I couldn't even read in the noise-screamings, shoutings, and the frequent slapping noise anymore so I said " Could you be quieter?" ,trying to say it loudly to cover the noise (but still...not loud or strong enough....)
Her accusation: How could you say that? The test was just over--they're relaxing! You shouldn't shout either, do you know you sounded bad -tempered and angry, though I know you're not(me saying in my mind"oh?how did you know, huh? You and I aren't even very-intimate friends!") That's why you don't have as many friends as others do."

My self-inspecting:
Well, some of her accusations and my shortcomings are true, but were those cases gone bad because of me? I admit I shouldn't yell at my loud classmates, I was in a bad mood then. And perhaps I shouldn't just tell the "truth" to the teacher in front of the whole class, which was like giving a slap on their faces and saying "you're all food wasters". Of course, listening to all these shortcomings for the first time from a friend made me almost burst into tears ( note "almost"? lol) but after a few days I gradually accepted the new found truth (no sarcasm), and will endeavor to make myself a more sociable person. Still, I'm not gonna give up some of my principles of being myself―I don't think being frank or honest is such a bad thing...or is it?On the other hand, I think the friend who told me all these things should be aware of some....issues of herself. She's a very nice mate most times , very sociable, outgoing, fun and full of wisdom(I have to admit she's somehow wiser than I am) indeed. Not speaking ill of her, it's just how I feel: she's a little condescendent while talking to me, as if she's a know-it-all; knowing that she had discussed my problems before ,even with the teacher, without giving me a hint of how they though about me―these two issues hurt my feelings a lot. Perhaps I shouldn't say this , just let her taste the feeling of being detested afterwards, like how they first decided about mine? That absolutely flitted through my mind. At last my devil side caved in to the angel side and told her. Her response? "Yes, I knew that already, and I'm trying to get rid of it." Oh, well.

How do you think about those incidents? Was I wrong at some point I didn't notice? Or did I misjudged my friend?? I'm so confused!

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